Say to my soul

Last night, for whatever reason, maybe because it was late and I was tired, maybe because the "mama bear" in me got riled up, maybe because I can't seem to fight fair, we had a MAJOR disagreement in our house.  Somehow, these "disagreements" always seem to leave me feeling like a horrible, dispicable human being.  And most of the time, after I cry myself to sleep, I wake up the next day somewhat okay.  Today was a different story.  Here's why:  When I finally stormed off to bed, I decided that that would be the proper time to just go at it head to head, toe to toe with God.  I told Him that I hated what He'd done to my family and that He obviously didn't know the first thing about what I could or couldn't handle.  Life has just seemed incredibly unfair lately.  We struggle with diabetes, overly aggressive kids, ministry frustrations, not being near any family, etc.  So, after I got done yelling at the Lord (a full on three year old temper tantrum), I couldn't sleep.  I was scared.  It was like the Lord said to me, "You need to be alone for awhile.  So, here ya go..."  I've never had that feeling before.  So all this morning, I've been trying to find some time to "apologize" to Him.  And every time I've tried, there's been some sort of interruption.  Finally, I just said to Him, "Father, I need You to know that I'm sorry for being an immature brat.  Please say something to me!"  Then in frustration, I opened up to one of my favorite Psalms...Psalm 18.  Here's what I read:

"This God-his way is perfect;
the word of the Lord proves true;
he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him...
your right hand supported me,
and your gentleness made me great.
You gave me a wide place for my steps under me..." (Psalm 18:30 and 35-36)

I spend way too much time complaining and whining about things I don't understand.  But this passage really hit me that God's way is perfect.  He is my support.  He is gentle in His dealings with me.  And I love the last part.  He's given me a WIDE place for my steps...He knows I need room sometimes to process and figure things out and come to the right conclusions about things.  I must learn to come to Him as my refuge and not as my enemy.  I need to get off the treadmill of my performance and trust that I am the "apple of His eye" (Psalm 17:8)  What I really need is peace.  Psalm 35:3 is another of my favorite verses. "Say to my soul, I am your salvation!"  I just sometimes need to hear (directly to my soul) that God knows.  He cares.  His way is perfect.  He will support me.  He is not my enemy.  He is my ONLY salvation.

Thank You, Jesus, for not leaving me and for not leaving me the way I am.

Until the world sees and is amazed by His awesomeness!