I have come to a startling conclusion about my life. I have been hurrying through, always chasing what looks better than the stage of life I'm in. For example, days spent with kids playing noisily all around me are spent in frustration and anger, desperately wishing for bedtime to come as quickly as possible. In feeling like this, I am missing out on so many good things...hugs and "I love yous" from my husband and kids, chances to read endless stories, laughing at bedtime tickles...just laughter and fun. I don't like the person I'm becoming. I'm losing interest in desires I once had...hanging out with my man and our kids, studying God's Word, prayer, keeping myself together physically and emotionally. I miss the person I could be, if that even makes any sense at all. I'm thirty-five now and I feel as though life has been happening all around me and I've somehow missed it. Because even though I've been there, I haven't really been there.
I'd like to share an excerpt from a book I'm reading called "The Resolution for Women" that really hit me right between the eyes. When I first read it, tears sprang to my eyes as the Holy Spirit convicted me that "this is me". In the book, the author writes, "I recognized that by rushing through life, I'd been subtly devaluing those around me and the experiences I was involved in, not appreciating the importance and significance they bring at this very moment, not grasping my responsibility for holding dear and treating well these gifts God has entrusted to me. Instead of embracing the priviliege of being a blessing to my husband, my children, my friends and others, I'd been quietly communicating that I wanted them to change and speed up, to get busy being somebody else, someone who's more in line with what I want and need, to hurry along to a place where they could make me happier than they currently do." OUCH!
God, my heart is broken as I cry out to You in this moment. Help me break this cycle of discontentment in my spirit. I want to be happy...really, truly happy. Help me to gather up all the good things around me and to begin enjoying the journey of my life.
Until the world sees and is amazed by His awesomeness!!!
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Desperate Mom Seeks Something...
I am having a major identity crisis right now. I've tried explaining this to my sweet husband, but he just can't understand. Or maybe I'm speaking another language, and I don't even realize it. I don't know. If you're a mom and reading this, maybe you'll understand, and I so welcome your feedback.
I feel like I've been a wife and mom for so long that I don't really even know who I am anymore, beyond those two titles. It's not that I don't like being "Rick's wife" or "Emilie's, Ty's, Gage's and Allie's mom". I do. I do so love my family! But who is Andrea, as a girl, I mean? What does she like to do? What's her favorite food? I mean, really. I've spent at least the last 11 years fixing foods that I know my family will eat and that I've, truth be told, suffered through at times. (Seriously, does anybody actually really like sloppy joes?!) Do I really love jeans and T-shirts or am I just so used to having nowhere to go but the grocery store that I've become lazy and too "comfortable" that I forget to take care of myself?
In the midst of all of this confusion, I have a nagging feeling that I should already know who I am. Maybe the secret really is found in Christ. When I become secure in the identity I have in Him maybe this other stuff won't matter so much. Maybe that's wishful thinking. At any rate, today I'm on a journey. A journey of self-discovery...to find out who I am, what I like to do, listen to, wear, eat, etc. Pray for me, please. This could take a while...
I feel like I've been a wife and mom for so long that I don't really even know who I am anymore, beyond those two titles. It's not that I don't like being "Rick's wife" or "Emilie's, Ty's, Gage's and Allie's mom". I do. I do so love my family! But who is Andrea, as a girl, I mean? What does she like to do? What's her favorite food? I mean, really. I've spent at least the last 11 years fixing foods that I know my family will eat and that I've, truth be told, suffered through at times. (Seriously, does anybody actually really like sloppy joes?!) Do I really love jeans and T-shirts or am I just so used to having nowhere to go but the grocery store that I've become lazy and too "comfortable" that I forget to take care of myself?
In the midst of all of this confusion, I have a nagging feeling that I should already know who I am. Maybe the secret really is found in Christ. When I become secure in the identity I have in Him maybe this other stuff won't matter so much. Maybe that's wishful thinking. At any rate, today I'm on a journey. A journey of self-discovery...to find out who I am, what I like to do, listen to, wear, eat, etc. Pray for me, please. This could take a while...
Monday, August 27, 2012
Rocked
Well, I guess I'll just jump right on in with a little transparency: My world has been rocked. Our family had a great summer. It was a very different kind of summer without BaseCamp, Mission Expedition and a convenient and free pool to get into, but it was good. We did some exploring around our new "city": There's a great little farmer's market here every Tuesday that includes lots of food and free train rides for the kids. My mom and my sister-in-law came to visit in July bringing with them my two-year old nephew, Wesley, whom we had never met! That was a fun week getting reaquainted with Chrissy and watching my kids and Wesley get aquainted for the first time. BOOMBAH!!!! Anyway, after that, my oldest child went to Missouri for two weeks to hang out with her grandparents. She got back just in time for Vacation Bible School. Now that was a long week!! My brother also came for a visit during that week. I LOVE having my family visit, especially now that I have enough places for them to sleep! After that came our much anticipated family vacation: an eight day trip to Walt Disney World!! What an incredible week!! Then we came home...and my world was rocked.
OK, big breath...while we were on vacation, I noticed that one of our boys was just not acting like himself. He was thirsty ALOT, going to the bathroom ALOT, was thirsty and hungry ALOT, was cranky and crying ALOT, started wetting the bed (not like him at all)...just not himself. He was also complaining of headaches and tummyaches the whole week we were in Orlando. When things didn't get better when we got home, I emailed our pediatrician to ask her thoughts. She told me to get him in to the doctor right away! So, I took him in. They ran a urine test and sent us to Children's Hospital where they ran a series of blood tests. They sent us home with no definitive answers, but made us an appointment for Monday with an endocrinologist.
Monday morning came and we sent our two older kids off to their first day of school, took the baby to a friend's house and drove our son to his appointment. When we got there, the doctor, after taking another blood test, confirmed our fears: Our son, Gage, has Type 1 Diabetes. He is insulin dependent, needing four shots a day. We also have to prick his finger four times a day to check his blood sugar. After hearing his diagnosis, we then sat through five hours of classes to learn about diabetes, how to measure insulin and give shots, how to check blood sugar, how to eat and at what times, signs to look for with low blood sugar and high blood sugar...we were reeling. I say "were" because slowly we are adjusting. Gage is getting braver by the day. Now we're not so much reeling as we are overwhelmed and at times incredibly confused. And we desperately need prayer and to feel the Lord's nearness to us in this time.
I'm learning to lean on the Lord (trust has always been hard for me), my husband, and the numerous friends that have reached out to us. I can feel the Lord's calming hand on my heart and my mind in those overwhelming moments. But, friends, please pray for us. We need the Lord to be Our Provider in this time. The cost of diabetes supplies and insulin is outrageous! More importantly than that, we need to know how to reach out to our other kids so that during this time when Gage is getting so much obvious attention (and new snacks that are just his) they don't feel left out or unimportant. And the most important need is that we would trust the Lord's hand on our lives and turn to Him rather than push Him away. It's hard sometimes to lean on the One that you feel is trying to crush you. In closing, I want to share the words to a song that ministered to me this morning when I took the kids to school. I hope it encourages you in your "moments" as well.
"You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire and heal all my disease
I trust in You
I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus, You're all I need.
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands
I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus, You're all I need
You're more than enough for me."
(Healer by Kari Jobe)
Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!!
OK, big breath...while we were on vacation, I noticed that one of our boys was just not acting like himself. He was thirsty ALOT, going to the bathroom ALOT, was thirsty and hungry ALOT, was cranky and crying ALOT, started wetting the bed (not like him at all)...just not himself. He was also complaining of headaches and tummyaches the whole week we were in Orlando. When things didn't get better when we got home, I emailed our pediatrician to ask her thoughts. She told me to get him in to the doctor right away! So, I took him in. They ran a urine test and sent us to Children's Hospital where they ran a series of blood tests. They sent us home with no definitive answers, but made us an appointment for Monday with an endocrinologist.
Monday morning came and we sent our two older kids off to their first day of school, took the baby to a friend's house and drove our son to his appointment. When we got there, the doctor, after taking another blood test, confirmed our fears: Our son, Gage, has Type 1 Diabetes. He is insulin dependent, needing four shots a day. We also have to prick his finger four times a day to check his blood sugar. After hearing his diagnosis, we then sat through five hours of classes to learn about diabetes, how to measure insulin and give shots, how to check blood sugar, how to eat and at what times, signs to look for with low blood sugar and high blood sugar...we were reeling. I say "were" because slowly we are adjusting. Gage is getting braver by the day. Now we're not so much reeling as we are overwhelmed and at times incredibly confused. And we desperately need prayer and to feel the Lord's nearness to us in this time.
I'm learning to lean on the Lord (trust has always been hard for me), my husband, and the numerous friends that have reached out to us. I can feel the Lord's calming hand on my heart and my mind in those overwhelming moments. But, friends, please pray for us. We need the Lord to be Our Provider in this time. The cost of diabetes supplies and insulin is outrageous! More importantly than that, we need to know how to reach out to our other kids so that during this time when Gage is getting so much obvious attention (and new snacks that are just his) they don't feel left out or unimportant. And the most important need is that we would trust the Lord's hand on our lives and turn to Him rather than push Him away. It's hard sometimes to lean on the One that you feel is trying to crush you. In closing, I want to share the words to a song that ministered to me this morning when I took the kids to school. I hope it encourages you in your "moments" as well.
"You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire and heal all my disease
I trust in You
I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus, You're all I need.
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands
I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus, You're all I need
You're more than enough for me."
(Healer by Kari Jobe)
Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!!
Monday, May 28, 2012
Pillars
First of all, to those of you who've contacted me about why I haven't written in 10 days or so, I'm sorry. It's been a ridiculous few days. Doctor's appointments, the start of summer vacation for the kids, church stuff, etc...it's just been crazy. I apologize. I really had no idea how many of you were actually following these posts. I'm humbled and honored by your support. Thank you. That said, it's good to be back!
I'm gonna write today about something I learned at church this weekend. In fact, I couldn't sleep on Saturday night after church until I had scribbled some thoughts down in my journal. Then I just wanted to soak in it for a few days before sharing with the "world" the precious, precious thoughts the Lord laid on my heart. Sometimes the Lord says things that are so personal and so good that I just need it to be between Him and me first. I hope you understand. No sloppy seconds, I promise!
My pastor spoke this weekend on remembering God, so this beginning Scripture reference will be from his message. Ecclesiastes 12:1 says, "Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years draw near of which you will say, 'I have no pleasure in them'..." It got me to thinking about how often I get so bogged down in stuff that doesn't seem to go right for me that I get really depressed and it becomes hard to see anything good in my life. No wonder the Lord had his people set up memorials along their journeys! It was a reminder of how He had blessed, provided and cared for them in some great times and in some really dark times. Abraham built altars at key points of his walk with God. Jacob did too. In Joshua 4, after the Israelites had finally crossed over the Jordan River into their promised land, the Lord commanded Joshua to have the people set up twelve stones in the Jordan River, in the exact place the priests carrying the ark of the Lord had stood. It says in verse 6, "When your children ask in time to come, 'What do those stones mean to you?' then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it passed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever."
After I read those verses late Saturday night, I started thinking about how I needed a memorial, a pillar, to remind me of God's goodness and His grace. This is the sweet part...the Lord spoke so audibly. I do have a pillar of remembrance. In fact I have four of them! I've quoted Psalm 103: 14 before in my blog: "For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust." Pastor Drew came up with a new acrostic for the definition of grace this weekend: God Remembered And Changed Everything! This is especially true of my life!
I've told you before how we were told we'd never be able to have children. That thought was terrifying to me. Without going into details, I had things happen to me as a young teenager and the decisions that followed are not ones I'm proud of. I have struggled for years with how far God's forgiveness and grace actually extends. But God Remembered And Changed Everything. After two miscarriages, the Lord gave us Emilie Grace. Her middle name is a reminder that only through God's grace had we been blessed. After two more miscarriages, the Lord miraculously gave us Ty Zachary and Gage Nathaniel. Their middle names mean "the Lord has remembered" and "the Lord has given". Three years later, the Lord blessed us again with Allie Jaydyn. Her middle name means "the Lord has heard".
"Oh Jesus!! May I never forget even when it seems difficult! You have blessed me repeatedly, even while I consistently forget You. Forgive me for not believing that Your grace really reaches farther than I can ever imagine. Thank You!"
"Yet even now," declares the LORD, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; and rend your hearts and not your garments." Return to the LORD, your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love; and he relents over disaster. Who knows whether he will not turn and relent, and leave a blessing behind him..."I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten." (Joel 2:12-14, 25)
"Let this be recorded for a generation to come, so that a people yet to be created may praise the Lord: that he looked down from his holy height; from heaven the LORD looked at the earth, to hear the groans of the prisoners, to set free those who were doomed to die, that they may declare in Zion the name of the LORD, and in Jerusalem his praise, when peoples gather together, and kingdoms, to worship the LORD." (Psalm 102:18-22)
Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!!
I'm gonna write today about something I learned at church this weekend. In fact, I couldn't sleep on Saturday night after church until I had scribbled some thoughts down in my journal. Then I just wanted to soak in it for a few days before sharing with the "world" the precious, precious thoughts the Lord laid on my heart. Sometimes the Lord says things that are so personal and so good that I just need it to be between Him and me first. I hope you understand. No sloppy seconds, I promise!
My pastor spoke this weekend on remembering God, so this beginning Scripture reference will be from his message. Ecclesiastes 12:1 says, "Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years draw near of which you will say, 'I have no pleasure in them'..." It got me to thinking about how often I get so bogged down in stuff that doesn't seem to go right for me that I get really depressed and it becomes hard to see anything good in my life. No wonder the Lord had his people set up memorials along their journeys! It was a reminder of how He had blessed, provided and cared for them in some great times and in some really dark times. Abraham built altars at key points of his walk with God. Jacob did too. In Joshua 4, after the Israelites had finally crossed over the Jordan River into their promised land, the Lord commanded Joshua to have the people set up twelve stones in the Jordan River, in the exact place the priests carrying the ark of the Lord had stood. It says in verse 6, "When your children ask in time to come, 'What do those stones mean to you?' then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it passed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever."
After I read those verses late Saturday night, I started thinking about how I needed a memorial, a pillar, to remind me of God's goodness and His grace. This is the sweet part...the Lord spoke so audibly. I do have a pillar of remembrance. In fact I have four of them! I've quoted Psalm 103: 14 before in my blog: "For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust." Pastor Drew came up with a new acrostic for the definition of grace this weekend: God Remembered And Changed Everything! This is especially true of my life!
I've told you before how we were told we'd never be able to have children. That thought was terrifying to me. Without going into details, I had things happen to me as a young teenager and the decisions that followed are not ones I'm proud of. I have struggled for years with how far God's forgiveness and grace actually extends. But God Remembered And Changed Everything. After two miscarriages, the Lord gave us Emilie Grace. Her middle name is a reminder that only through God's grace had we been blessed. After two more miscarriages, the Lord miraculously gave us Ty Zachary and Gage Nathaniel. Their middle names mean "the Lord has remembered" and "the Lord has given". Three years later, the Lord blessed us again with Allie Jaydyn. Her middle name means "the Lord has heard".
"Oh Jesus!! May I never forget even when it seems difficult! You have blessed me repeatedly, even while I consistently forget You. Forgive me for not believing that Your grace really reaches farther than I can ever imagine. Thank You!"
"Yet even now," declares the LORD, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; and rend your hearts and not your garments." Return to the LORD, your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love; and he relents over disaster. Who knows whether he will not turn and relent, and leave a blessing behind him..."I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten." (Joel 2:12-14, 25)
"Let this be recorded for a generation to come, so that a people yet to be created may praise the Lord: that he looked down from his holy height; from heaven the LORD looked at the earth, to hear the groans of the prisoners, to set free those who were doomed to die, that they may declare in Zion the name of the LORD, and in Jerusalem his praise, when peoples gather together, and kingdoms, to worship the LORD." (Psalm 102:18-22)
Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!!
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Just Be Quiet
Oh boy. This has been one of those mornings in the Ackerman house. Last night was a late night at church. The group "Cloverton" was in concert at our church. It was an amazing time of worship, fun and fellowship...but it was really late, for a school night. It was hard to get Emilie up this morning.
And then there's Gage, who I'm convinced has an internal alarm clock set to go off at 6:00 every morning without fail...no matter what time he goes to sleep the night before. It wouldn't be so bad if he'd just let others sleep, but since he shares a bedroom with his brother, Ty (who is NOT in any way a morning person)...well, let's just say, mornings are not always fun. Poor Ty was born with a "night owl syndrome" like his dad. The boy just takes forever to fall asleep at night...So needless to say, we're having a rough morning.
Have you ever noticed how when we're tired and cranky it's never enough to just be alone and quiet? We have to have the last word, even if it's not necessary and we've been warned. How often do we bark orders or complaints at others around us just because we feel the need to express our frustration at our lack of sleep? Ty, this morning, was throwing blocks at his siblings, yelling at them (and me), and then had the nerve to scream and sass when he was punished...all because he's tired.
Honestly, it's hard to stay frustrated at him. I know how he feels. It makes me think about how often I take advantage of the goodness and patience of God. I so often just barge into His presence and start complaining and barking orders at Him...as if He's supposed to do what I say! This morning, I read these words from Psalm 139: "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my worries, concerns and anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (verses 23-24) It's a reminder to me to be still and just relax and be quiet. It's scary to let the Lord search my heart, because I know there's a lot of yuck in there. I forget that there's no point in trying to hide any of it. He already knows! Which in itself is kind of comforting. The Lord knows when I'm tired and cranky and having a bad morning. He also knows when things are going great and I'm feeling on top of the world. Searching my heart (I think) is for my own benefit. Confession is for my own benefit as well. It's a reminder of how I'm not God of my life. I'm nowhere near perfect! Sometimes I want what I want when I want it. Sometimes I'm selfish enough to not even care what effect this has on others around me. I'm so thankful that the Lord understands my human-ness and gives grace daily to cover it and draw me to Himself anyway.
"Lord, help me to sincerely want what leads me to You even if it's not pleasing to me. Allow me to see where I don't live as You've called me to live. Grant me the courage to be quiet and let you search my heart and then to acknowledge my sin to You and to those I've hurt or offended. 'God, help me to be closer to You so I'm farther from me (Cloverton)'. Help me to trust Your hand in Your leading. Allow my look at how You've worked in the past to give me confidence to trust You again. You are so trustworthy, Lord! Thank you for daily, amazing grace!"
Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!!
And then there's Gage, who I'm convinced has an internal alarm clock set to go off at 6:00 every morning without fail...no matter what time he goes to sleep the night before. It wouldn't be so bad if he'd just let others sleep, but since he shares a bedroom with his brother, Ty (who is NOT in any way a morning person)...well, let's just say, mornings are not always fun. Poor Ty was born with a "night owl syndrome" like his dad. The boy just takes forever to fall asleep at night...So needless to say, we're having a rough morning.
Have you ever noticed how when we're tired and cranky it's never enough to just be alone and quiet? We have to have the last word, even if it's not necessary and we've been warned. How often do we bark orders or complaints at others around us just because we feel the need to express our frustration at our lack of sleep? Ty, this morning, was throwing blocks at his siblings, yelling at them (and me), and then had the nerve to scream and sass when he was punished...all because he's tired.
Honestly, it's hard to stay frustrated at him. I know how he feels. It makes me think about how often I take advantage of the goodness and patience of God. I so often just barge into His presence and start complaining and barking orders at Him...as if He's supposed to do what I say! This morning, I read these words from Psalm 139: "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me and know my worries, concerns and anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (verses 23-24) It's a reminder to me to be still and just relax and be quiet. It's scary to let the Lord search my heart, because I know there's a lot of yuck in there. I forget that there's no point in trying to hide any of it. He already knows! Which in itself is kind of comforting. The Lord knows when I'm tired and cranky and having a bad morning. He also knows when things are going great and I'm feeling on top of the world. Searching my heart (I think) is for my own benefit. Confession is for my own benefit as well. It's a reminder of how I'm not God of my life. I'm nowhere near perfect! Sometimes I want what I want when I want it. Sometimes I'm selfish enough to not even care what effect this has on others around me. I'm so thankful that the Lord understands my human-ness and gives grace daily to cover it and draw me to Himself anyway.
"Lord, help me to sincerely want what leads me to You even if it's not pleasing to me. Allow me to see where I don't live as You've called me to live. Grant me the courage to be quiet and let you search my heart and then to acknowledge my sin to You and to those I've hurt or offended. 'God, help me to be closer to You so I'm farther from me (Cloverton)'. Help me to trust Your hand in Your leading. Allow my look at how You've worked in the past to give me confidence to trust You again. You are so trustworthy, Lord! Thank you for daily, amazing grace!"
Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Mad at God
Do you know the song by Matt and Beth Redman called "Blessed Be Your Name"? It's an incredible song about the ups and downs of life's journey and our decision to worship, no matter what. There was a time when I couldn't sing that song. Literally. It would come on the radio or be sung in church and I couldn't sing it. Tears would flow, rather than words. The first time I heard that song was in the middle of a very dark season of my journey with Christ.
Rick and I had just suffered our third miscarriage. I couldn't make sense of anything at the time. All I felt was anger and guilt. The words "You give and take away" echoed daily through my heart. Why give and take away? What is the point of doing that? I, at the time, was being mentored by a friend of mine at church. She was at our house one evening and I was venting all of this to her. The fact that I had been asked to lead worship at church on that upcoming Sunday didn't help matters. "How am I supposed to lead people to worship a God that I'm so angry at?", I questioned. I remember that moment as if it were yesterday. It was, I believe, one of the most pivotal moments in my Christian journey. As I wept, she wrapped her arms around me and after a moment, she said, "It's okay to be mad at God. It's okay to question God. He already knows. What's important is your decision to say, 'God, I'm so angry at you and so confused, but I trust you anyway'." In that moment, I began to really understand that worship isn't always joyful. Sometimes it includes the sound of suffering. It sometimes means bringing the songs and cries of pain to the throne room of the God of all comfort.
Hebrews 13:8 says that "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Aren't you thankful for a Savior who never changes? I am. I've come to truly learn that He does, in fact, give and yes, sometimes even take away. But like Job I want to be able to say in worship, "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord...I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you." (Job 1:21 and 42:5)
Just in case you were wondering, I can sing that song now. I still get a bit teary and choked up at the lines that say, " Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering. Though there's pain in the offering blessed be Your name." But something else I've learned on my journey is that sometimes the Lord allows us to go through some seasons because one day He'll use us to minister to someone who may be feeling like we felt. It's been my privilege to grow in that understanding and to help others who've been in that same very dark season. Each time I do, I'm reminded of my own scars but also of a Savior who comforts me in my deepest hurts and who never changes.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!
Rick and I had just suffered our third miscarriage. I couldn't make sense of anything at the time. All I felt was anger and guilt. The words "You give and take away" echoed daily through my heart. Why give and take away? What is the point of doing that? I, at the time, was being mentored by a friend of mine at church. She was at our house one evening and I was venting all of this to her. The fact that I had been asked to lead worship at church on that upcoming Sunday didn't help matters. "How am I supposed to lead people to worship a God that I'm so angry at?", I questioned. I remember that moment as if it were yesterday. It was, I believe, one of the most pivotal moments in my Christian journey. As I wept, she wrapped her arms around me and after a moment, she said, "It's okay to be mad at God. It's okay to question God. He already knows. What's important is your decision to say, 'God, I'm so angry at you and so confused, but I trust you anyway'." In that moment, I began to really understand that worship isn't always joyful. Sometimes it includes the sound of suffering. It sometimes means bringing the songs and cries of pain to the throne room of the God of all comfort.
Hebrews 13:8 says that "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." Aren't you thankful for a Savior who never changes? I am. I've come to truly learn that He does, in fact, give and yes, sometimes even take away. But like Job I want to be able to say in worship, "The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord...I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you." (Job 1:21 and 42:5)
Just in case you were wondering, I can sing that song now. I still get a bit teary and choked up at the lines that say, " Blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering. Though there's pain in the offering blessed be Your name." But something else I've learned on my journey is that sometimes the Lord allows us to go through some seasons because one day He'll use us to minister to someone who may be feeling like we felt. It's been my privilege to grow in that understanding and to help others who've been in that same very dark season. Each time I do, I'm reminded of my own scars but also of a Savior who comforts me in my deepest hurts and who never changes.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." (2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!
Monday, May 14, 2012
Overwhelmed
Moment of truth: I'm so overwhelmed I can hardly think straight. It's a weird kind of feeling, too. Everything's the same...housecleaning, changing bed linens, house full of kids. No added responsibilities, and yet, I woke up this morning, feeling overwhelmed with the day's tasks. I got about six and a half hours of sleep last night, which is normal for me. I just woke up feeling frantic and emotional. Then, only out of desperation, I opened my Bible and read these beautiful words:
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, 'My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.' For He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence...and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler..." Psalm 91:1-4
So often, I wake up with a really good stretch and feeling pretty decent. Then something happens and my brain switches into hyper-drive and busyness and yes, sometimes resentment, sets in. I end up flying out of the room to wake the kids with a frown on my face. What happens in a nano-second? After honestly praying through that question and doing some soul-searching, I realized that right after that awesome stretch this morning, I had a choice to make, and I chose self. I chose to look at my day through selfish lenses instead of God's eyes. Inevitably, if I don't give my day to Him, I will carry it around like a big ol' sack of problems, instead of looking at each moment as an opportunity to serve others and fellowship with Jesus. The result is a loss of joy.
"Woe to me when I seek assistance from those in the world, when I rely on methods, and resources, and expertise, but do not look to You the Holy One, or seek help from You, Lord." Isaiah 31:1(NLT)
"I am cursed when I trust in human strength and turn away from you, Lord...But I am blessed when I trust in You, Lord, and when I place my confidence in You." Jeremiah 17:5, 7 (NLT)
"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." Psalm 68:19
Oh Jesus, remind me to turn my first thoughts each day to You and to learn to rely on Your strength, not my own. I'll be a much happier wife, mom and person. Remind me that Your Gospel is hindered when I go through life with a sour look and an even worse attitude. I only want to be used by You to do whatever You have planned for me each day.
"O Lord, I do not pray for tasks equal to my strength. I ask for strength equal to my tasks."
-Phillips Brooks
Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!
"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the LORD, 'My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.' For He will deliver you from the snare of the fowler and from the deadly pestilence...and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness is a shield and buckler..." Psalm 91:1-4
So often, I wake up with a really good stretch and feeling pretty decent. Then something happens and my brain switches into hyper-drive and busyness and yes, sometimes resentment, sets in. I end up flying out of the room to wake the kids with a frown on my face. What happens in a nano-second? After honestly praying through that question and doing some soul-searching, I realized that right after that awesome stretch this morning, I had a choice to make, and I chose self. I chose to look at my day through selfish lenses instead of God's eyes. Inevitably, if I don't give my day to Him, I will carry it around like a big ol' sack of problems, instead of looking at each moment as an opportunity to serve others and fellowship with Jesus. The result is a loss of joy.
"Woe to me when I seek assistance from those in the world, when I rely on methods, and resources, and expertise, but do not look to You the Holy One, or seek help from You, Lord." Isaiah 31:1(NLT)
"I am cursed when I trust in human strength and turn away from you, Lord...But I am blessed when I trust in You, Lord, and when I place my confidence in You." Jeremiah 17:5, 7 (NLT)
"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." Psalm 68:19
Oh Jesus, remind me to turn my first thoughts each day to You and to learn to rely on Your strength, not my own. I'll be a much happier wife, mom and person. Remind me that Your Gospel is hindered when I go through life with a sour look and an even worse attitude. I only want to be used by You to do whatever You have planned for me each day.
"O Lord, I do not pray for tasks equal to my strength. I ask for strength equal to my tasks."
-Phillips Brooks
Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!
Friday, May 11, 2012
Unplugged
Some days it seems I wake up with my claws extended! Nothing can make me happy or calm me down. I'm just in a sour mood, and my mission is to spread my "cheer" to all I come into contact with. And of course, it's never my fault. There's always someone or something else to blame...hormones, the kids, the dog, the weather, a lack of sleep...Regardless, by the end of the day, I'm generally a mess of tears seeking quiet and calm anywhere I can find it. I've even gone so far as to lock myself in the bathroom, sit on the floor with the light off, taking deep breaths and counting to 10... or maybe 100, depending on the day. But even there, most of the time, they find me. Maybe I need a new hiding place...
What I've discovered in moments like these is that I've somehow become unplugged...unplugged from the only power source that matters and can save me from my mood. Maybe I didn't spend time with Jesus that day. Maybe I've just taken on too many outside activities and now my priorities are out of order. Whatever the reason, I've been trying to remember to immediately go to Jesus and confess my attitudes and moods and that I've basically unplugged my self. Much like stepping too far away from the outlet with your laptop stretches the cord so far that it's forced to unplug...hmmm.
This morning, I read a passage of Scripture that spoke volumes to my heart: "As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust." (Psalm 103:13-14) Don't you find it comforting that He knows how frail we are and like a father He shows compassion to us? There are moments when I just want to run to Him and crawl up in His lap and be held, like I used to do with my daddy. And somehow when I finally pull myself away from that moment, I feel recharged with a full battery to tackle the rest of my day. I'm plugged in again.
"Oh Lord, sometimes holding my breath and counting to ten just isn't enough. I need space. Actually, what I need is time away with You...just a few moments now and then to pull away from things and plug back into You. Help me to be able to communicate this to my family. They will benefit so much more from a wife and mom who's stress-free! I know that my only source of power and victory is found in You alone. Thank You for remembering my frailty and understanding my weakness."
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
(Hebrews 4:15-16)
Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!
What I've discovered in moments like these is that I've somehow become unplugged...unplugged from the only power source that matters and can save me from my mood. Maybe I didn't spend time with Jesus that day. Maybe I've just taken on too many outside activities and now my priorities are out of order. Whatever the reason, I've been trying to remember to immediately go to Jesus and confess my attitudes and moods and that I've basically unplugged my self. Much like stepping too far away from the outlet with your laptop stretches the cord so far that it's forced to unplug...hmmm.
This morning, I read a passage of Scripture that spoke volumes to my heart: "As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust." (Psalm 103:13-14) Don't you find it comforting that He knows how frail we are and like a father He shows compassion to us? There are moments when I just want to run to Him and crawl up in His lap and be held, like I used to do with my daddy. And somehow when I finally pull myself away from that moment, I feel recharged with a full battery to tackle the rest of my day. I'm plugged in again.
"Oh Lord, sometimes holding my breath and counting to ten just isn't enough. I need space. Actually, what I need is time away with You...just a few moments now and then to pull away from things and plug back into You. Help me to be able to communicate this to my family. They will benefit so much more from a wife and mom who's stress-free! I know that my only source of power and victory is found in You alone. Thank You for remembering my frailty and understanding my weakness."
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
(Hebrews 4:15-16)
Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Here at Home
Last night, I went to bed completely exhausted. I was so tired that I barely had the energy to crawl off the couch and climb into my bed. My head hit the pillow and I was out. I don't even remember taking my socks off. I'm rarely that tired. I'm pretty sure it's because of the day I had. I was hit yesterday with spiritual attack the likes I've rarely seen. I spent most of my day praying, crying and searching Scripture. By the time I got to church I was already exhausted, and then the Bible Study lesson topic was...you guessed it...spiritual warfare. After church, I put the kids to bed, without showers, and took a shower of my own and kept thinking to myself, "I don't know if I'm winning or losing this battle today." Through my tears, I prayed and tried to recall Scripture to help ease my troubled mind and spirit. The Lord, in his compassion, helped me to remember the verse I'd taught in the preschool Sunday School class last week. "I will lie down and sleep in peace, for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." (Psalm 4:8) What a comfort. Praise You, Jesus! In the midst of chaos, hurt, fear, loneliness, darkness, battle You are here and You care. Praise You!
Sometimes it's so easy to forget the things we learn as kids. My parents were, and still are, great godly role models and teachers. I can't tell you how much comfort I get from being able to call them and say, "Mom, Dad, I need you to pray with me about..." I thank the Lord daily for giving me the family He did. My brothers and I have similar relationships. We call each other when we have questions about the Bible, need prayer, need godly advice. Rick is that person in my life too. I can text, email or call him at most any time of day and know he'll pray for me. Most days, he prays for me before he leaves for work. I'm so grateful and so blessed.
Recently, the Lord pulled us out of one ministry context into something very different than where we'd been. Our previous church had an incredible children's ministry program. Our current church is different. We are having to build a children's ministry from the ground up. It's hard. I am the preschool Sunday School teacher...for now. My boys are the only ones in my class...for now! I know the Lord's going to bless this ministry. But it's certainly put things into perspective for me.
The first week at the new church, I found myself really questioning God's calling us here. I missed the kids ministry we'd had. I knew my kids were loved and taught well. I worried how they'd grow up to love Him and His church without having a great kids ministry experience. God reminded me that week that I'd grown up in a similar context and I love Him and the study of His Word. Mostly because my parents took the time to instill those values in my heart. He also showed me how I'd become too reliant on the kids ministry to teach my kids. I firmly believe that one of the reasons He's put us here is to "force" (for lack of a better term) Rick and I to shepherd our own kids...to train them up in the way they should go...to teach them to love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength. We've prayed so often that they'd each grow up to love Jesus "not because they have to, but because they want to". We need to model that for them. How can they learn if they don't see it modeled? One of the most precious things to me is seeing my dad (to this day) take his Bible and a cup of coffee to a table outside to spend time first thing in the morning with His Jesus. He'd mow the yard and talk to His Jesus. My mom's Bible is on the table with a highlighter ALWAYS, and there were times when she went into her prayer closet (an actual closet) to study and read and spend time with her Jesus. I want to be like them. I want to model a relationship with my Jesus for my kids.
There are times, regretfully, when shepherding my children is the furthest thing from my mind. Sometimes I let the frustrations of the day overcome me. There are days when I feel angry and resentful of my motherly duties. "Why am I the only one who cooks dinner AND does the dishes? Why do I have to do ALL the laundry? Why do I have to stay here with the kids? Why do I have to feed and walk the dog? When do I get to do something for myself?" Even typing this out and re-reading it makes me cringe. How incredibly selfish! No wonder my kids are struggling with a "me mentality"!
It was not an easy journey getting our kids. We were actually told we'd never be able to have kids. We sure showed them!! After multiple miscarriages, the Lord has brought to life a verse from Psalm 113 (verse 9): "He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children." I have so often forgotten and taken for granted what miracles my kids are!! The miracle is not just that we have them, but it's in the difference of each personality, each smile, each laugh, the sound of each voice. Thank You, Jesus!
"In the monotony of the day...the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dog walking, temper tantrums, band-aids...Jesus help me to remember that my greatest calling is in being a mother. As long as I'm here on this earth, I am the only one who can do this job! Lord, sometimes it's easy to resent the demands of motherhood. Please create in me a spirit of servanthood. 'Make me appreciative of the dignity of my high vocation and its many responsibilities. Never permit me to disgrace it by giving way to coldness, unkindness or impatience...(Mother Teresa)' May I teach through example how to love You, how to serve You, and how to treat others. Thank You, Jesus, that You care so much to give constant reminders of Your presence and my dependence on You. I love You."
Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!!
Sometimes it's so easy to forget the things we learn as kids. My parents were, and still are, great godly role models and teachers. I can't tell you how much comfort I get from being able to call them and say, "Mom, Dad, I need you to pray with me about..." I thank the Lord daily for giving me the family He did. My brothers and I have similar relationships. We call each other when we have questions about the Bible, need prayer, need godly advice. Rick is that person in my life too. I can text, email or call him at most any time of day and know he'll pray for me. Most days, he prays for me before he leaves for work. I'm so grateful and so blessed.
Recently, the Lord pulled us out of one ministry context into something very different than where we'd been. Our previous church had an incredible children's ministry program. Our current church is different. We are having to build a children's ministry from the ground up. It's hard. I am the preschool Sunday School teacher...for now. My boys are the only ones in my class...for now! I know the Lord's going to bless this ministry. But it's certainly put things into perspective for me.
The first week at the new church, I found myself really questioning God's calling us here. I missed the kids ministry we'd had. I knew my kids were loved and taught well. I worried how they'd grow up to love Him and His church without having a great kids ministry experience. God reminded me that week that I'd grown up in a similar context and I love Him and the study of His Word. Mostly because my parents took the time to instill those values in my heart. He also showed me how I'd become too reliant on the kids ministry to teach my kids. I firmly believe that one of the reasons He's put us here is to "force" (for lack of a better term) Rick and I to shepherd our own kids...to train them up in the way they should go...to teach them to love the Lord their God with all their heart, soul, mind and strength. We've prayed so often that they'd each grow up to love Jesus "not because they have to, but because they want to". We need to model that for them. How can they learn if they don't see it modeled? One of the most precious things to me is seeing my dad (to this day) take his Bible and a cup of coffee to a table outside to spend time first thing in the morning with His Jesus. He'd mow the yard and talk to His Jesus. My mom's Bible is on the table with a highlighter ALWAYS, and there were times when she went into her prayer closet (an actual closet) to study and read and spend time with her Jesus. I want to be like them. I want to model a relationship with my Jesus for my kids.
There are times, regretfully, when shepherding my children is the furthest thing from my mind. Sometimes I let the frustrations of the day overcome me. There are days when I feel angry and resentful of my motherly duties. "Why am I the only one who cooks dinner AND does the dishes? Why do I have to do ALL the laundry? Why do I have to stay here with the kids? Why do I have to feed and walk the dog? When do I get to do something for myself?" Even typing this out and re-reading it makes me cringe. How incredibly selfish! No wonder my kids are struggling with a "me mentality"!
It was not an easy journey getting our kids. We were actually told we'd never be able to have kids. We sure showed them!! After multiple miscarriages, the Lord has brought to life a verse from Psalm 113 (verse 9): "He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children." I have so often forgotten and taken for granted what miracles my kids are!! The miracle is not just that we have them, but it's in the difference of each personality, each smile, each laugh, the sound of each voice. Thank You, Jesus!
"In the monotony of the day...the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dog walking, temper tantrums, band-aids...Jesus help me to remember that my greatest calling is in being a mother. As long as I'm here on this earth, I am the only one who can do this job! Lord, sometimes it's easy to resent the demands of motherhood. Please create in me a spirit of servanthood. 'Make me appreciative of the dignity of my high vocation and its many responsibilities. Never permit me to disgrace it by giving way to coldness, unkindness or impatience...(Mother Teresa)' May I teach through example how to love You, how to serve You, and how to treat others. Thank You, Jesus, that You care so much to give constant reminders of Your presence and my dependence on You. I love You."
Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!!
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Everybody Needs a Rock
This morning, Emilie found a book in the Apple Cinnamon Cheerios box. I didn't think they put prizes in cereal boxes anymore, but I'm pretty sure with the morning I've had, God put it there just for me. The book is called "Everybody Needs a Rock". It's not in any way a spiritual book. It's actually a book written from a kid's perspective on how to find the perfect rock for a pet. Silly, I know. But I couldn't help reading through it with a spiritual set of glasses on, so to speak.
My heart is literally breaking as I write this. I'm overwhelmed with the struggles and hurts of people around me. Last night, I was asked the question, "Mom, will you be mad if I get a D in Reading?" This question was asked at 9:00 pm by my straight-A student daughter. Through the next hour of her meltdowns and her father and I trying to talk through this with her, we uncovered some life-lesson issues. Wow! This conversation caused me to think about my own life and what I've portrayed to my kids. Am I smarter than a fifth-grader? Maybe not so much...
Sometimes, I don't take responsibility for my actions. Over the years, I've made some choices that have greatly affected my family, and NOT for the better. Most of the time, I didn't take responsibility for my part in those decisions until it was too late to fix them. By God's grace, He is continuing to work on me (thank You, Jesus for being willing to continue to work on this frail, very human individual), and together with Him, I'm beginning to heal and believe it or not, He's fixing some of those bad choices!
Another shocker is that I have a problem with procrastination. I know. I said it was a shocker! I've always been that way. If my parents ever read this, they'll be nodding their heads in agreement as they remember all the fights about cleaning my room and doing chores and homework. Sometimes our procrastination and lack of responsibility catches up with us...as Emilie is discovering today. But the thing that broke my heart last night was discovering that my beautiful daughter is beginning to let others define her. She's afraid that others will think she's stupid if she gets a D.
Rick said some very profound things to Emilie last night in the quietness of that moment that have impacted me today. My identity is found in Christ, not in how others see me. There will always be someone that I think is prettier or smarter or more talented that I am, but that doesn't make me ugly, stupid or incapable. I have to learn not to give others the power to define me. They will inevitably do a horrible job at it!
Have you ever been so burdened for another person's spiritual walk that you say and do all the wrong things to get your point across? Someone incredibly close to me is struggling today with feeling God's presence and knowing His will and why He wills certain things. Does it ever bother you that God's plans for your life seem to be completely opposite your own? Why does He place certain people in certain places? Why do other people seem to be able to do so much more for God's Kingdom that we can? How can you know for sure that God placed you somewhere and you didn't work it out on your own?
I was reading in First Timothy this morning and I came across this verse, "Do not neglect the gift you have." (4:14) It's under the heading in my ESV Bible A Good Servant of Christ Jesus. I think it comes down partially to your gifts. The Lord has given each of us specific giftedness to be used for His purpose and His Kingdom. There are definitely times when I wish I was gifted for something else...something more important than what I'm called to. Who doesn't want to be remembered for doing something great and for being a huge asset in the Kingdom? Up in verse 7 of the same chapter it reads, "Train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come...For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people..." Godliness is never accidental. You have to work at it...like exercise, ugh. If I'm not careful, I will drag myself so far down a hole with needing to be more (for myself, mostly...I just disguise it as being for God) that it feels like I'll never get back to a good place. Then I either give up, or when I do eventually claw my way out, I feel like I'm too dirty to go to God. Do you think the Lord ever just wants to reach down physically, pick us up (and shake us sometimes), then dust us off and set us right again? Oh, if only I could just remember who I am in Him and how much He loves me...
What does this have to do with needing a rock? For me, Christ is my rock. When I feel like I have no other friends, I have my Rock. When I can't stand anymore because I'm too weary to walk on in this journey, I rest on my Rock. When I'm in the middle of a spiritual wasteland, I take shade in the shadow of my Rock. And like the Israelites in the desert, I receive nourishment and refreshment from my Rock.
Everybody needs a Rock. I'll share mine with you...
Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!
My heart is literally breaking as I write this. I'm overwhelmed with the struggles and hurts of people around me. Last night, I was asked the question, "Mom, will you be mad if I get a D in Reading?" This question was asked at 9:00 pm by my straight-A student daughter. Through the next hour of her meltdowns and her father and I trying to talk through this with her, we uncovered some life-lesson issues. Wow! This conversation caused me to think about my own life and what I've portrayed to my kids. Am I smarter than a fifth-grader? Maybe not so much...
Sometimes, I don't take responsibility for my actions. Over the years, I've made some choices that have greatly affected my family, and NOT for the better. Most of the time, I didn't take responsibility for my part in those decisions until it was too late to fix them. By God's grace, He is continuing to work on me (thank You, Jesus for being willing to continue to work on this frail, very human individual), and together with Him, I'm beginning to heal and believe it or not, He's fixing some of those bad choices!
Another shocker is that I have a problem with procrastination. I know. I said it was a shocker! I've always been that way. If my parents ever read this, they'll be nodding their heads in agreement as they remember all the fights about cleaning my room and doing chores and homework. Sometimes our procrastination and lack of responsibility catches up with us...as Emilie is discovering today. But the thing that broke my heart last night was discovering that my beautiful daughter is beginning to let others define her. She's afraid that others will think she's stupid if she gets a D.
Rick said some very profound things to Emilie last night in the quietness of that moment that have impacted me today. My identity is found in Christ, not in how others see me. There will always be someone that I think is prettier or smarter or more talented that I am, but that doesn't make me ugly, stupid or incapable. I have to learn not to give others the power to define me. They will inevitably do a horrible job at it!
Have you ever been so burdened for another person's spiritual walk that you say and do all the wrong things to get your point across? Someone incredibly close to me is struggling today with feeling God's presence and knowing His will and why He wills certain things. Does it ever bother you that God's plans for your life seem to be completely opposite your own? Why does He place certain people in certain places? Why do other people seem to be able to do so much more for God's Kingdom that we can? How can you know for sure that God placed you somewhere and you didn't work it out on your own?
I was reading in First Timothy this morning and I came across this verse, "Do not neglect the gift you have." (4:14) It's under the heading in my ESV Bible A Good Servant of Christ Jesus. I think it comes down partially to your gifts. The Lord has given each of us specific giftedness to be used for His purpose and His Kingdom. There are definitely times when I wish I was gifted for something else...something more important than what I'm called to. Who doesn't want to be remembered for doing something great and for being a huge asset in the Kingdom? Up in verse 7 of the same chapter it reads, "Train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come...For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people..." Godliness is never accidental. You have to work at it...like exercise, ugh. If I'm not careful, I will drag myself so far down a hole with needing to be more (for myself, mostly...I just disguise it as being for God) that it feels like I'll never get back to a good place. Then I either give up, or when I do eventually claw my way out, I feel like I'm too dirty to go to God. Do you think the Lord ever just wants to reach down physically, pick us up (and shake us sometimes), then dust us off and set us right again? Oh, if only I could just remember who I am in Him and how much He loves me...
What does this have to do with needing a rock? For me, Christ is my rock. When I feel like I have no other friends, I have my Rock. When I can't stand anymore because I'm too weary to walk on in this journey, I rest on my Rock. When I'm in the middle of a spiritual wasteland, I take shade in the shadow of my Rock. And like the Israelites in the desert, I receive nourishment and refreshment from my Rock.
Everybody needs a Rock. I'll share mine with you...
Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Nature and Trust
Today is Tuesday. Tuesday is trash day. Every Tuesday morning, I drive Emilie to the bus stop, and when I get home, I put the trash out at the end of the driveway. Big deal, you say. TOTALLY big deal...today. Because today I found something.
Yesterday was a very wet day with rain and snow coming down relentlessly all day. So the ground is really saturated. I've gotten pretty good at identifying some tracks up here in the middle of nature. Bunnies, elk, deer, ground squirrels...Today, however, I found a new one. A big one, resembling a huge paw!! For this city girl, immediately I looked around to make sure I wasn't about to be eaten. I don't know what this pawprint is, could be a big dog, but my "citi-fied" mind just KNOWS it's more than likely a mountain lion. If you were sitting here with me right now, you could see me shiver and see the goosebumps all over my arms. Nothing scares me more than mountain lions...today. The other day, it was snakes. Mostly because Emilie found one in the yard. Rick utterly destroyed the little beast. YAY!!! I took a picture of it and showed it to a game warden friend of ours at church and was then informed that garter snakes are actually really great for your yard...oops...What can I say? I'm from the city.
Anyone who really knows me knows that I'm a wuss. I'm afraid of everything. Oh, I can put on a strong face when I need to. But deep down, I'm really afraid. Here are a few examples:
*I was afraid we'd never have kids.
*I was afraid we would and then I'd mess them up.
*I'm afraid to play sports for fear of injury or more importantly, looking stupid.
*I'm afraid to let the kids play outside.
*I'm afraid of our Disney vacation this August! How silly! I'm afraid I won't be able to keep up with the rest of my family.
*There was even a time when I was afraid for the kids to ride in the car with anyone but me (including with their dad).
*I'm afraid my husband will get tired of me and leave, or worse, find someone else.
God's revealed a lot to me lately about me and this lack of trust I have. Number one, it's a debilitating fear that does not come from the Lord. Second Timothy 1:7 tells us that "God gave us a spirit NOT OF FEAR but of power and love and self-control. Number 2, is that I need to recognize where this fear comes from. I heard author and speaker Beth Moore say once that "Satan's main goal is to demoralize you. Demoralization is when Satan figures out who you are afraid you are most and sets out to confirm that it's true in your life". Wow! Take a second to wrap your mind around that statement. For me, this all comes down to the fact that I'm afraid that God doesn't treasure those that I treasure. This is a bold statement for me to make. Does God really love my kids and my husband the way that I do? The correct answer is no. He loves them so much more than I ever could.
Trust is hard. Please indulge me for a moment while I share some verses that the Lord has given me recently to help me with this issue of trust.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
"But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one." 2 Thessalonians 3:3
""But you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head." Psalm 3:3
I could go on and on and on, but instead I just want to pray:
"Lord, my feeble attempts at taking care of myself must amuse You sometimes. Please forgive me for not totally leaning on You and for choosing to live in fear instead. Take away my fears and fill me with Your calm assurance. I look forward to the day when 'the wolf will dwell with the lamb, and the leopard will lie down with the goat, and the little child will lead them. Then the cow will feed with the bear; Their young will lie down together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox. The infant will play near the hole of the cobra, and the young child will put his hand into the viper's hole; they will neither harm nor destroy on all Your holy mountain, for the earth will be full of the knowledge of you, O Lord.' (Isaiah 11: 6-9) Thank You, Jesus, that You are more powerful than all my fears and powerful enough to change me. I love You."
Until the world sees and is amazed by His awesomeness!!
Yesterday was a very wet day with rain and snow coming down relentlessly all day. So the ground is really saturated. I've gotten pretty good at identifying some tracks up here in the middle of nature. Bunnies, elk, deer, ground squirrels...Today, however, I found a new one. A big one, resembling a huge paw!! For this city girl, immediately I looked around to make sure I wasn't about to be eaten. I don't know what this pawprint is, could be a big dog, but my "citi-fied" mind just KNOWS it's more than likely a mountain lion. If you were sitting here with me right now, you could see me shiver and see the goosebumps all over my arms. Nothing scares me more than mountain lions...today. The other day, it was snakes. Mostly because Emilie found one in the yard. Rick utterly destroyed the little beast. YAY!!! I took a picture of it and showed it to a game warden friend of ours at church and was then informed that garter snakes are actually really great for your yard...oops...What can I say? I'm from the city.
Anyone who really knows me knows that I'm a wuss. I'm afraid of everything. Oh, I can put on a strong face when I need to. But deep down, I'm really afraid. Here are a few examples:
*I was afraid we'd never have kids.
*I was afraid we would and then I'd mess them up.
*I'm afraid to play sports for fear of injury or more importantly, looking stupid.
*I'm afraid to let the kids play outside.
*I'm afraid of our Disney vacation this August! How silly! I'm afraid I won't be able to keep up with the rest of my family.
*There was even a time when I was afraid for the kids to ride in the car with anyone but me (including with their dad).
*I'm afraid my husband will get tired of me and leave, or worse, find someone else.
God's revealed a lot to me lately about me and this lack of trust I have. Number one, it's a debilitating fear that does not come from the Lord. Second Timothy 1:7 tells us that "God gave us a spirit NOT OF FEAR but of power and love and self-control. Number 2, is that I need to recognize where this fear comes from. I heard author and speaker Beth Moore say once that "Satan's main goal is to demoralize you. Demoralization is when Satan figures out who you are afraid you are most and sets out to confirm that it's true in your life". Wow! Take a second to wrap your mind around that statement. For me, this all comes down to the fact that I'm afraid that God doesn't treasure those that I treasure. This is a bold statement for me to make. Does God really love my kids and my husband the way that I do? The correct answer is no. He loves them so much more than I ever could.
Trust is hard. Please indulge me for a moment while I share some verses that the Lord has given me recently to help me with this issue of trust.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7
"But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen and protect you from the evil one." 2 Thessalonians 3:3
""But you are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head." Psalm 3:3
I could go on and on and on, but instead I just want to pray:
"Lord, my feeble attempts at taking care of myself must amuse You sometimes. Please forgive me for not totally leaning on You and for choosing to live in fear instead. Take away my fears and fill me with Your calm assurance. I look forward to the day when 'the wolf will dwell with the lamb, and the leopard will lie down with the goat, and the little child will lead them. Then the cow will feed with the bear; Their young will lie down together, and the lion will eat straw like the ox. The infant will play near the hole of the cobra, and the young child will put his hand into the viper's hole; they will neither harm nor destroy on all Your holy mountain, for the earth will be full of the knowledge of you, O Lord.' (Isaiah 11: 6-9) Thank You, Jesus, that You are more powerful than all my fears and powerful enough to change me. I love You."
Until the world sees and is amazed by His awesomeness!!
Monday, May 7, 2012
And so it begins...
It's 9am on Monday. I'm not sure why I feel this way, but I feel compelled to write...to try this journaling thing again. So much in my head on this cold, snowy morning. And yet...nothing. How can this be? Maybe it's a mom thing. I can get so consumed with everything around us that it all becomes incredibly jumbled up in my mind that I can't think straight, and sometimes I forget completely who I am as a person, as a woman. Anyway...
We had thirty-five people at our house last night for dinner. Thirty-five! What an amazing time of fellowship, of belonging! I haven't felt that way in so long. It's actually been that way all weekend, oddly enough. Friday night I was invited to a craft-y, scrapbook-y thing at church. It wasn't a church organized event. Just six women getting together to hang out and scrapbook. And while I don't scrapbook, I had a great time just being invited into these women's lives, their hobbies, their circle of friendship. It makes me wish I had a hobby. I haven't had time to develop a hobby in years. What do I even like to do? Eh, I'll figure that out later... however, what I can tell you is that I enjoyed that two and a half hours on Friday night so much, I think I'll just take a coloring book and crayons along with me next time just to be a part of a group of ladies (all moms) who are just seeking solace and friendship in a "kid free" zone!
Rick (my amazing, godly husband) preached at church this weekend on discipleship and the cost and call of following Christ. He mentioned that our lives should be spent living as mirrors that reflect the person and character of God. It's true that I have somehow become a person who wants to reflect my own "awesomeness" to everyone around me and then I hope and pray that they too will somehow see my "awesomeness" and be amazed! What a joke! As if I really have anything to offer in this life without Christ being revealed and lived out through me!
So today, in all humility, I begin a public diary of my journey to begin to live life from the other side of the mirror. This is not done to be known, but in an effort to make the Savior who has been so much to me known.
Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!
"O Lord, my God, teach my heart this day where and how to see you, where and how to find you. You have made me and remade me, and you have bestowed on me all the good things I possess, and still I do not know you. I have not yet done that for which I was made. Teach me to seek you, for I cannot seek you unless you teach me, or find you unless you show yourself to me. Let me see you in my desire; let me desire you in my seeking. Let me find you by loving you; let me love you when I find you."
-Anselm, Italian monk (1033-1109)
We had thirty-five people at our house last night for dinner. Thirty-five! What an amazing time of fellowship, of belonging! I haven't felt that way in so long. It's actually been that way all weekend, oddly enough. Friday night I was invited to a craft-y, scrapbook-y thing at church. It wasn't a church organized event. Just six women getting together to hang out and scrapbook. And while I don't scrapbook, I had a great time just being invited into these women's lives, their hobbies, their circle of friendship. It makes me wish I had a hobby. I haven't had time to develop a hobby in years. What do I even like to do? Eh, I'll figure that out later... however, what I can tell you is that I enjoyed that two and a half hours on Friday night so much, I think I'll just take a coloring book and crayons along with me next time just to be a part of a group of ladies (all moms) who are just seeking solace and friendship in a "kid free" zone!
Rick (my amazing, godly husband) preached at church this weekend on discipleship and the cost and call of following Christ. He mentioned that our lives should be spent living as mirrors that reflect the person and character of God. It's true that I have somehow become a person who wants to reflect my own "awesomeness" to everyone around me and then I hope and pray that they too will somehow see my "awesomeness" and be amazed! What a joke! As if I really have anything to offer in this life without Christ being revealed and lived out through me!
So today, in all humility, I begin a public diary of my journey to begin to live life from the other side of the mirror. This is not done to be known, but in an effort to make the Savior who has been so much to me known.
Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!
"O Lord, my God, teach my heart this day where and how to see you, where and how to find you. You have made me and remade me, and you have bestowed on me all the good things I possess, and still I do not know you. I have not yet done that for which I was made. Teach me to seek you, for I cannot seek you unless you teach me, or find you unless you show yourself to me. Let me see you in my desire; let me desire you in my seeking. Let me find you by loving you; let me love you when I find you."
-Anselm, Italian monk (1033-1109)
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