Say to my soul

Last night, for whatever reason, maybe because it was late and I was tired, maybe because the "mama bear" in me got riled up, maybe because I can't seem to fight fair, we had a MAJOR disagreement in our house.  Somehow, these "disagreements" always seem to leave me feeling like a horrible, dispicable human being.  And most of the time, after I cry myself to sleep, I wake up the next day somewhat okay.  Today was a different story.  Here's why:  When I finally stormed off to bed, I decided that that would be the proper time to just go at it head to head, toe to toe with God.  I told Him that I hated what He'd done to my family and that He obviously didn't know the first thing about what I could or couldn't handle.  Life has just seemed incredibly unfair lately.  We struggle with diabetes, overly aggressive kids, ministry frustrations, not being near any family, etc.  So, after I got done yelling at the Lord (a full on three year old temper tantrum), I couldn't sleep.  I was scared.  It was like the Lord said to me, "You need to be alone for awhile.  So, here ya go..."  I've never had that feeling before.  So all this morning, I've been trying to find some time to "apologize" to Him.  And every time I've tried, there's been some sort of interruption.  Finally, I just said to Him, "Father, I need You to know that I'm sorry for being an immature brat.  Please say something to me!"  Then in frustration, I opened up to one of my favorite Psalms...Psalm 18.  Here's what I read:

"This God-his way is perfect;
the word of the Lord proves true;
he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him...
your right hand supported me,
and your gentleness made me great.
You gave me a wide place for my steps under me..." (Psalm 18:30 and 35-36)

I spend way too much time complaining and whining about things I don't understand.  But this passage really hit me that God's way is perfect.  He is my support.  He is gentle in His dealings with me.  And I love the last part.  He's given me a WIDE place for my steps...He knows I need room sometimes to process and figure things out and come to the right conclusions about things.  I must learn to come to Him as my refuge and not as my enemy.  I need to get off the treadmill of my performance and trust that I am the "apple of His eye" (Psalm 17:8)  What I really need is peace.  Psalm 35:3 is another of my favorite verses. "Say to my soul, I am your salvation!"  I just sometimes need to hear (directly to my soul) that God knows.  He cares.  His way is perfect.  He will support me.  He is not my enemy.  He is my ONLY salvation.

Thank You, Jesus, for not leaving me and for not leaving me the way I am.

Until the world sees and is amazed by His awesomeness!

A Sweet Moment

Luke 15:7 tells us that "there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance."  I will tell you that there was much rejoicing in our house yesterday afternoon when one of our six year olds, Ty Zachary, accepted Jesus as his personal Savior!  It was a sweet, sweet moment within our family.  And he was so ready!  What a privilege for his dad and I to be able to lead him through his decision.  It's been a two year journey for this child of ours.  It all started the summer of 2011 when our family attended an evening at "Rock the Range".  Franklin Graham was speaking about our need to have Jesus "fix" the brokenness of our heart.  Ty was zeroed in on his message.  At the invitation he asked his dad to take him to the front to pray.  Rick began asking him some questions, and we determined that he was processing Jesus and his need for Him, but wasn't quite ready.  So, over the last two years, we've prayed, fostered and encouraged his curiousity and yesterday he came to us asking how to ask Jesus into his life. Amazing!!  We are so blessed! 

So we rejoice, along with the angels and all of heaven and our Heavenly Father! And we pray that he will grow and become strong in his relationship with his Savior! I can't wait to see how the Lord will use this son of mine!!

Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!!

The Blessings of a Migraine

So yesterday I had the Worst. Migraine. EVER.  It started out small, as most of them do.  But by the time the kids and I got home from church, it was raging!  So I somehow managed to get them all a bowl of cereal for lunch (I know, I know...not a really great mom moment...) and made the announcement that everyone was taking a nap.  I laid down at 1:00 pm.  Usually these headaches go away with some ibuprofen and sleep.  But four ibuprofen and three hours later, it was still raging and at this point making my stomach sick.  Anyway, on to the blessings part...

During the afternoon, my husband came home from a meeting.  He then turned into the greatest dad alive!  I could hear him and the kids playing Mario Cart on the Wii downstairs (which was slightly irritating that I could hear them with my headache and all, but they were having a ton of fun).  Then, Rick decided to go to the store to get some OTC migraine meds, since nothing was working and I couldn't keep anything down. So then Emilie, my darling 12 year old, entertained her 6 year old brothers and kept up with the potty-training of her 2 year old sister for a half hour!  She's so responsible!!  When Rick got home, he gave me some pain pills and another cold rag for my head, then made dinner for the kidlets.  After dinner, he showered the littles and Em took her shower, he did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen and then made all the lunches for the next day of school. 

I was finally able to crawl out of bed at 10:30 pm, long enough to eat something and take a shower.  Then it was back to bed.  So in the last 24 hours, I have slept 17 of them.  While I was falling back to sleep last night at about midnight, I noticed for the first time in a long time, a feeling of contentment, despite the migraine.  And I realized that I had a smile on my face.  It was then that I realized how truly blessed I am.  I have a great family!  I have a husband who loves me enough to let me sleep for 17 hours!  I have a 12 year old daughter with enough responsibility to potty-train a sibling while entertaining two more!  I have two 6 year olds who understand enough to be okay for awhile without Mom and not beat each other up!  And I have a 2 year old who's finally getting this potty training thing down enough to tell her sister when she has to go and a sensitive heart to be concerned enough to come check on Mommy when she's sick!  I am so blessed!  It reminds of a VeggieTales song that has a line in it that goes, "A thankful heart is a happy heart."  It also reminds me of a verse from Philippians that reads, "...in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil. 4:6-7)  With thanksgiving comes peace.  I am so incredibly thankful for all the blessings that the Lord has given me.  And I'm thankful for the migraine that brought me low enough to see them.

Until the world sees and is amazed by His awesomeness!!

Hurrying Through

I have come to a startling conclusion about my life. I have been hurrying through, always chasing what looks better than the stage of life I'm in.  For example, days spent with kids playing noisily all around me are spent in frustration and anger, desperately wishing for bedtime to come as quickly as possible.  In feeling like this, I am missing out on so many good things...hugs and "I love yous" from my husband and kids, chances to read endless stories, laughing at bedtime tickles...just laughter and fun.  I don't like the person I'm becoming.  I'm losing interest in desires I once had...hanging out with my man and our kids, studying God's Word, prayer, keeping myself together physically and emotionally.  I miss the person I could be, if that even makes any sense at all.  I'm thirty-five now and I feel as though life has been happening all around me and I've somehow missed it.  Because even though I've been there, I haven't really been there.

 I'd like to share an excerpt from a book I'm reading called "The Resolution for Women" that really hit me right between the eyes.  When I first read it, tears sprang to my eyes as the Holy Spirit convicted me that "this is me".  In the book, the author writes, "I recognized that by rushing through life, I'd been subtly devaluing those around me and the experiences I was involved in, not appreciating the importance and significance they bring at this very moment, not grasping my responsibility for holding dear and treating well these gifts God has entrusted to me. Instead of embracing the priviliege of being a blessing to my husband, my children, my friends and others, I'd been quietly communicating that I wanted them to change and speed up, to get busy being somebody else, someone who's more in line with what I want and need, to hurry along to a place where they could make me happier than they currently do."  OUCH!

God, my heart is broken as I cry out to You in this moment.  Help me break this cycle of discontentment in my spirit.  I want to be happy...really, truly happy.  Help me to gather up all the good things around me and to begin enjoying the journey of my life.

Until the world sees and is amazed by His awesomeness!!!

Desperate Mom Seeks Something...

I am having a major identity crisis right now.  I've tried explaining this to my sweet husband, but he just can't understand.  Or maybe I'm speaking another language, and I don't even realize it.  I don't know.  If you're a mom and reading this, maybe you'll understand, and I so welcome your feedback. 

I feel like I've been a wife and mom for so long that I don't really even know who I am anymore, beyond those two titles.  It's not that I don't like being "Rick's wife" or "Emilie's, Ty's, Gage's and Allie's mom".  I do.  I do so love my family!  But who is Andrea, as a girl, I mean?  What does she like to do?  What's her favorite food?  I mean, really.  I've spent at least the last 11 years fixing foods that I know my family will eat and that I've, truth be told, suffered through at times. (Seriously, does anybody actually really like sloppy joes?!)  Do I really love jeans and T-shirts or am I just so used to having nowhere to go but the grocery store that I've become lazy and too "comfortable" that I forget to take care of myself? 

In the midst of all of this confusion, I have a nagging feeling that I should already know who I am.  Maybe the secret really is found in Christ.  When I become secure in the identity I have in Him maybe this other stuff won't matter so much.  Maybe that's wishful thinking.  At any rate, today I'm on a journey.  A journey of self-discovery...to find out who I am, what I like to do, listen to, wear, eat, etc. Pray for me, please.  This could take a while...

Rocked

Well, I guess I'll just jump right on in with a little transparency:  My world has been rocked.  Our family had a great summer.  It was a very different kind of summer without BaseCamp, Mission Expedition and a convenient and free pool to get into, but it was good.  We did some exploring around our new "city":  There's a great little farmer's market here every Tuesday that includes lots of food and free train rides for the kids.  My mom and my sister-in-law came to visit in July bringing with them my two-year old nephew, Wesley, whom we had never met!  That was a fun week getting reaquainted with Chrissy and watching my kids and Wesley get aquainted  for the first time.  BOOMBAH!!!!  Anyway, after that, my oldest child went to Missouri for two weeks to hang out with her grandparents.  She got back just in time for Vacation Bible School.  Now that was a long week!!  My brother also came for a visit during that week.  I LOVE having my family visit, especially now that I have enough places for them to sleep!  After that came our much anticipated family vacation:  an eight day trip to Walt Disney World!!  What an incredible week!!  Then we came home...and my world was rocked.

OK, big breath...while we were on vacation, I noticed that one of our boys was just not acting like himself.  He was thirsty ALOT, going to the bathroom ALOT, was thirsty and hungry ALOT, was cranky and crying ALOT, started wetting the bed (not like him at all)...just not himself.  He was also complaining of headaches and tummyaches the whole week we were in Orlando.  When things didn't get better when we got home, I emailed our pediatrician to ask her thoughts.  She told me to get him in to the doctor right away!  So, I took him in.  They ran a urine test and sent us to Children's Hospital where they ran a series of blood tests.  They sent us home with no definitive answers, but made us an appointment for Monday with an endocrinologist. 

Monday morning came and we sent our two older kids off to their first day of school, took the baby to a friend's house and drove our son to his appointment.  When we got there, the doctor, after taking another blood test, confirmed our fears:  Our son, Gage, has Type 1 Diabetes.  He is insulin dependent, needing four shots a day. We also have to prick his finger four times a day to check his blood sugar.  After hearing his diagnosis, we then sat through five hours of classes to learn about diabetes, how to measure insulin and give shots, how to check blood sugar, how to eat and at what times, signs to look for with low blood sugar and high blood sugar...we were reeling.  I say "were" because slowly we are adjusting.  Gage is getting braver by the day.  Now we're not so much reeling as we are overwhelmed and at times incredibly confused.  And we desperately need prayer and to feel the Lord's nearness to us in this time.

I'm learning to lean on the Lord (trust has always been hard for me), my husband, and the numerous friends that have reached out to us.  I can feel the Lord's calming hand on my heart and my mind in those overwhelming moments.  But, friends, please pray for us.  We need the Lord to be Our Provider in this time.  The cost of diabetes supplies and insulin is outrageous!  More importantly than that, we need to know how to reach out to our other kids so that during this time when Gage is getting so much obvious attention (and new snacks that are just his) they don't feel left out or unimportant.  And the most important need is that we would trust the Lord's hand on our lives and turn to Him rather than push Him away.  It's hard sometimes to lean on the One that you feel is trying to crush you.  In closing, I want to share the words to a song that ministered to me this morning when I took the kids to school.  I hope it encourages you in your "moments" as well.

"You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire and heal all my disease
I trust in You
I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus, You're all I need.
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands
I believe You're my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You're my Portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus, You're all I need
You're more than enough for me."
(Healer by Kari Jobe)

Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!!

Pillars

First of all, to those of you who've contacted me about why I haven't written in 10 days or so, I'm sorry.  It's been a ridiculous few days.  Doctor's appointments, the start of summer vacation for the kids, church stuff, etc...it's just been crazy.  I apologize.  I really had no idea how many of you were actually following these posts.  I'm humbled and honored by your support.  Thank you.  That said, it's good to be back!

I'm gonna write today about something I learned at church this weekend.  In fact, I couldn't sleep on Saturday night after church until I had scribbled some thoughts down in my journal.  Then I just wanted to soak in it for a few days before sharing with the "world" the precious, precious thoughts the Lord laid on my heart.  Sometimes the Lord says things that are so personal and so good that I just need it to be between Him and me first.  I hope you understand.  No sloppy seconds, I promise!

My pastor spoke this weekend on remembering God, so this beginning Scripture reference will be from his message.  Ecclesiastes 12:1 says, "Remember also your Creator in the days of your youth, before the evil days come and the years draw near of which you will say, 'I have no pleasure in them'..."  It got me to thinking about how often I get so bogged down in stuff that doesn't seem to go right for me that I get really depressed and it becomes hard to see anything good in my life.  No wonder the Lord had his people set up memorials along their journeys!  It was a reminder of how He had blessed, provided and cared for them in some great times and in some really dark times.  Abraham built altars at key points of his walk with God.  Jacob did too.  In Joshua 4, after the Israelites had finally crossed over the Jordan River into their promised land, the Lord commanded Joshua to have the people set up twelve stones in the Jordan River, in the exact place the priests carrying the ark of the Lord had stood.  It says in verse 6, "When your children ask in time to come, 'What do those stones mean to you?' then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD.  When it passed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off.  So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever." 

After I read those verses late Saturday night, I started thinking about how I needed a memorial, a pillar, to remind me of God's goodness and His grace.  This is the sweet part...the Lord spoke so audibly.  I do have a pillar of remembrance.  In fact I have four of them!  I've quoted Psalm 103: 14 before in my blog:  "For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust."  Pastor Drew came up with a new acrostic for the definition of grace this weekend:  God Remembered And Changed Everything!  This is especially true of my life! 

I've told you before how we were told we'd never be able to have children.  That thought was terrifying to me.  Without going into details, I had things happen to me as a young teenager and the decisions that followed are not ones I'm proud of.  I have struggled for years with how far God's forgiveness and grace actually extends.  But God Remembered And Changed Everything.  After two miscarriages, the Lord gave us Emilie Grace.  Her middle name is a reminder that only through God's grace had we been blessed.  After two more miscarriages, the Lord miraculously gave us Ty Zachary and Gage Nathaniel.  Their middle names mean "the Lord has remembered" and "the Lord has given".  Three years later, the Lord blessed us again with Allie Jaydyn.  Her middle name means "the Lord has heard". 

"Oh Jesus!!  May I never forget even when it seems difficult!  You have blessed me repeatedly, even while I consistently forget You.  Forgive me for not believing that Your grace really reaches farther than I can ever imagine.  Thank You!"

"Yet even now," declares the LORD, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; and rend your hearts and not your garments."  Return to the LORD, your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love; and he relents over disaster.  Who knows whether he will not turn and relent, and leave a blessing behind him..."I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten."  (Joel 2:12-14, 25)

"Let this be recorded for a generation to come, so that a people yet to be created may praise the Lord: that he looked down from his holy height; from heaven the LORD looked at the earth, to hear the groans of the prisoners, to set free those who were doomed to die, that they may declare in Zion the name of the LORD, and in Jerusalem his praise, when peoples gather together, and kingdoms, to worship the LORD."  (Psalm 102:18-22)

Until the world sees and is amazed by HIS awesomeness!!